Are You Dealing With An Email Bully?
There are few things more annoying and productivity crushing than having the misfortune of receiving a hostile email from a co-worker or boss. Your blood boils, you stop what you were doing and prepare to craft the perfect torpedo email to completely sink all of their false accusations, mis-characterizations and even insults. You read it to yourself with a sly smile and click send.
Has this happened to you before? As you read this in a calm and collected moment you clearly say to yourself “I would not be that impulsive”, but in the anger of the moment when you are being accused or attacked sometimes good judgement goes out the window.
No matter what position you may hold and no matter what company you work for there is a likely chance at some point you will have to deal with hostile emails from customers, co-workers and sometimes even your own boss. In these scenarios it is sometimes a fine line to walk between attempting to address the issue yourself or escalating the issue if it moves into the realm of a hostile work environment.
What I say here may ruffle some feathers but I am of the frame of mind that once you are in an executive position the expectation you should have for yourself is that in most circumstances you have the capacity to solve your own problems. This doesn’t mean running off to HR every time another executive says something hyper-critical or abrasive. I am not advocating necessarily tolerating a blatantly hostile work environment, but as a leader you are supposed to solve problems and take ownership.
All that being said, here are some initial thoughts on how to address a hostile or toxic email:
- What is the sender trying to say?
It is really important to grow some thick skin in this situation and parse what is said in the email. Remove any personal attacks and simply look at the underlying point of the message. There may be legitimate areas of concern in the email buried in hostile language that you might not pick up on if you get too hung up on the surrounding language.
Focus on the point of the message. If there is none and this individual is just sending a message with nothing but personal attacks and hostility then you should confront this individual as to the point of the email and the personal attacks. There is nothing wrong with directly confronting a colleague or even your boss if they are personally attacking you with no other purpose than to be belligerent or condescending.
- Now on the more likely scenario that there is actually something productive to be pulled from the hostile email, write out each of those points to prepare your response. Do not write your response right away. You do not want to write this email in the heat of the moment when your emotions may be running high. Wait as long as you feel like you can get away with it before responding so you will be calm and collected.
- Your email should start with a conciliatory tone and statement. At this point it is not a matter of being right but of resolving a conflict. You need to attempt to be a peace maker here. A statement like “I can understand and appreciate your frustration regarding this/these issue(s).” or something similar should work well. It sets a tone that you are not intending to get into a mud-slinging match.
- Next it is a good idea to enumerate each of the issues you were able to pull from the original email to make sure you are clearly understanding the source of the frustration.
“I would like to restate each of the items you outlined in your previous email to make sure I have a clear understanding of and can fully address your concerns.”
You should then re-state in a non-provoking manner the items you pulled from the email but in your own words rather than a cut and paste to make sure you show understanding of what was said.
- You then need to address each item briefly and with facts or proof. You do not need to personally defend yourself at this point—let the facts and proof do that for you. It is important not to be combative here because your points and proof will get lost if you give the sender any additional fuel for their frustration. Also, be objective here. If there are areas where you may have made a mistake or overlooked certain details then come clean and acknowledge those items where you could have improved. Humility is not a bad word and good leaders accept accountability.
Example:
“You stated that you were not made aware of the customer’s issue prior to the meeting and felt blindsided by their complaints. After reviewing my email I have found a communication sent to you Tuesday at 3:45pm that outlines this customer’s frustration and several possible solutions. I apologize if you were not aware of this communication, but it was sent and I can resend you the email if you would like.”
Very matter of fact, no emotion or confrontation—just stating facts.
- The last step is to close the email with an invitation to get on a phone call if there are any additional questions. Email is never a good medium to discuss issues like this and often people who would write toxic emails are “email tough guys”. If you get them on the phone many times it is easier to diffuse potential hostility by talking through a situation. It is usually not a good idea to send any additional emails. If they do not contact you via phone and continue to send you emails then you should pick up the phone and call them. Explain that you would prefer to work through this issue without the back and forth of emails.
The CC Dynamic
A critical piece to consider when dealing with a toxic email is who is seeing the email. If it is directed solely to you then this next section is not relevant. If it is to a group of people you need to examine who is included in the email. ALWAYS remove any third party vendors, clients and others outside of your company. Internal fighting does not look good to outside individuals and can impact the company’s reputation. After you have removed these individuals, make sure everyone else in the list of recipients has some involvement or interest in the discussion items of the email. Sometimes people who write hostile emails like to include other individuals just for the sake of complaining to as many people as possible in an attempt to make you look bad. Don’t continue including them if they are not part of the actual issue.
The reason you want to include the remaining recipients is for your own reputation. When someone sends an email to a group of people about you being incompetent and there is no response to refute those accusations then the idea of your incompetence goes unchallenged and could hurt your reputation moving forward. People need to see that you can handle yourself in situations like this and respond professionally and factually. Doing this often will make the person who sent the email look petty.
I have used this strategy frequently in the past with success. Often times it can assist in strengthening relationships with colleagues as it demonstrates you have a level head and can help to diffuse stressful situations. Remember that most people are not monsters and may be having a bad day, may be under extreme pressure from elsewhere in the company or may have other issues that drove them to the point of sending a nasty email. Is it right? Of course not. But looking into things more deeply and attempting to understand your environment and the people you work with ultimately demonstrates your leadership skills, critical thinking and emotional awareness. In the end you will almost always come out on top with these things in mind.
What are your thoughts? Do you think this strategy is too conciliatory? How have you handled hostile or toxic emails in your own company. Leave a reply in the comments and keep the discussion going.
Jason Kistler